Solving the Energy Crisis through the use of old Mayonnaise

Mayonnaise is a mixture of oil, egg yolks and vinegar, all of which are very bad for you, and on their own taste pretty awful. Have you ever tried drinking vegetable oil or vinegar?

But together, they are a semi-liquid fat emulsion, a concentrated form of energy at 3,212 BTUs per ounce, that could be used to run alternative fuel vehicles.

Imagine the benefits:

Weight loss - we eat far too much mayonnaise as it is so it should instead be stored until it goes bad and then ladled into gas tanks. The medical establishment has concluded that mayonnaise is the 3rd leading cause of obesity and diabetes after laziness (#2) and watching repeat episodes of Psych (#1).

Less reliance on foreign oil. We would no longer have to care about insane dicators who spend just a little too much time out in the desert sun wearing tightly wrapped turbans.

Convenience - you would no longer have to stop at a gas station every morning. Just take the mayo out of the fridge (or storage closet if you want the really ripe stuff) as you kiss the dog/cat/cockatoo/missus/mister goodbye and head off to work.

Racial Equality through the banning of Sunglasses

Research has shown that high levels of exposure to ultraviolet light can lead to color blindness (monochromacy) when cone pigment generation is damaged in the eye.

I suggest we make the sale and use of sunglasses illegal, so that every time people go outdoors and stare up at the sun they damage their eyesight a little more, to the point that eventually everyone is seeing in black and white.

A world composed of all shades of gray has some enormous benefits:

Fashion would take an exciting new spin, with checkerboard patterns and Charlie Brown diagonal line t-shirts all the rage.

Women would save an enormous amount of money on cosmetics, hair dye, lipstick, eyeliner, shiny nose rings.

Exciting culinary experiences would result. Just imagine eating in a restaurant and wondering if that's a pepper, a piece of avocado, or a raisen in your food...before you taste it. All ice cream would look like vanilla but taste like something else.

Skin tone would become far less important than skin adornment, such as tattoos. Biker chicks would finally take their rightful place as the most beautiful creatures on the planet.

Solution to Illegal Immigration from Mexico to the US

Offer fast track citizenship to every migrant farm worker/illegal immigrant who convinces an American to take a job alongside them working in the fields to pick cucumbers, tomatos, garbanzo beans or whatever.

• Provides for increased tax revenue from the new citizen and newly employed American.
• Reduces unemployment and fosters good cross-border relations.
• Eliminates the need for building that ugly fence.

And to inform immigrants south of the US border about the plan, I suggest we hire that little Mexican boy from the taco commercial who invented the taco with the flat bottom to it as a spokesperson. That kid is a genius!